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Wednesday, December 14th, 2005
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So I found a bunch of poems slash songs, and here you are
this is long so sorry
This isnt the end my dear
Of rainy days, of worried faces
Of lies and failed attemps
I died the day you left
And reminded everday
when you hang around here
in this sideways town
These drugs dont help
to curb my anxiety
Escpecially when your right here
sleeping next to him
All I can do is stare
Through the blackness
across the bodies on the floor
Im sorry If I stare
But he doesn't love you like I do
No one loves you like I do
Everyday a smile
like you never knew
how much I cared
But how the feeling changes
when you feel me getting close
Fiegned breath and heavy sighs
I'll never understand you
but thats alright
cause Im in love with your mysteries
Wouldnt you like a way out
of my affection
All I can do is stare
Through the blackness
across the bodies on the floor
Im sorry If I stare
But he doesn't love you like I do
No one loves you like I do
All you do is hurt
but I like the feeling
of broken hearts and backstabs
I know you hurt inside
cause he doesnt love you
maybe if you saw
me for someone else
You'd love me like I love you
my blood's' on your hands
but how much more
should I give in?
All I can do is stare
Through the blackness
across the bodies on the floor
Im sorry If I stare
But he doesn't love you like I do
No one loves you like I do
I need to run, I need to heal
thanks for killing me
and as you steal my breath
All I can do is stare...
...........................................................................
The moon is up
Soft silver kisses the ground
Every star shines through the veil
Littering the sky like spilled marbles
Heavens bless the earth
The night is calm, no motion
Just the spinning of celestial bodies and lovers
The grass is wet
The hammock good
I find some peace in the quiet
Some mystical serenity in the still of the evening
Midnight looms over all heads but mine
There is no time, no place, no explanations
Theres just a man, and a world
Spinning haphazardly through the cosmos
With wings I could fly, you know
let me concentrate and leave
My body is far behind
the land of lost beings and hapless travelers
The moon is bright
the star is out
Just the sky and its beauty
Just a lost boy without a cause
Just a guitar without a song
Such peaceful serenity
but I wonder
What’s the cost?
.................................................................................
Its cold out on my doorstep
The nights creep closer in on the days
My world is standing still
The leaves fall proudly
I told you I’d write you a poem
Now I look out the door and I know I never will
The wind talks to me silently
Saying I’ll never be good enough
I wish I could change for you
I wish I could be who you wanted me to
You deserve an angel, you deserve a god
But when it comes to love I’ve never had a clue
So my paper screams for ink
As the sun goes down on this small town
I still remember how your smiles cut me
What if I wrote you a sonnet?
Could you love me if I didn’t know where to start
Someday we could love, hopefully
Is there someone you wanted to be
Past the fake smiles and judgments
I need a better body and soul
I’d wish on a star to be special
If it meant I could have you
Instead I let your laugh take me whole
The chessboard is broken
Its pieces on the ground
I never meant to be any trouble
Oh I never meant to be any trouble
I never wrote you the poem I was supposed to
Here’s my apology
.................................................................................
peace and love everybody, peace and love
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Tuesday, October 4th, 2005
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Who am I to you???
seriously I want your comments, I need it for english
just be frank, cause you know me
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Monday, October 3rd, 2005
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| Subject: | Football |
| Time: | 6:54 pm. |
| Mood: |  energetic. | | Music: | Tears for Fears - Head over heels. |
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My first game all season
I killed people
It was good
IM ready, IM BACK!
And i havent been happy in a long time and I forgot how much I missed the feeling
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Saturday, October 1st, 2005
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| Time: | 8:47 pm. |
| Mood: |  blah. | | Music: | Train - Ramble On (Ofcourse covering the Zeppelin classic). |
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"This isnt the end my dear
Of rainy days, of worried faces
Of lies and failed attemps
I died the day you left
And reminded everday
when you hang around here
in this sideways town
These drugs dont help
to curb my anxiety
Escpecially when your right here
sleeping next to him
All I can do is stare
Through the blackness
across the bodies on the floor
Im sorry If I stare
But he doesn't love you like I do
No one loves you like I do
Everyday a smile
like you never knew
how much I cared
But how the feeling changes
when you feel me getting close
Fiegned breath and heavy sighs
I'll never understand you
but thats alright
cause Im in love with your mysteries
Wouldnt you like a way out
of my affection
All I can do is stare
Through the blackness
across the bodies on the floor
Im sorry If I stare
But he doesn't love you like I do
No one loves you like I do
All you do is hurt
but I like the feeling
of broken hearts and backstabs
I know you hurt inside
cause he doesnt love you
maybe if you saw
me for someone else
You'd love me like I love you
my blood's' on your hands
but how much more
should I give in?
All I can do is stare
Through the blackness
across the bodies on the floor
Im sorry If I stare
But he doesn't love you like I do
No one loves you like I do
I need to run, I need to heal
thanks for killing me
and as you steal my breath
All I can do is stare..." (I called it kevin's song, now I dont know what to call it)
Thats something new I've been playing around with on guitar. Yeah, it's been awhile. I've been writing a play, although people keep telling me it isn't going to cut it and its not my ideas, I like it. Football is football, coach will never play me. But to tell you the truth I dont give a fuck, I get to play again. Thats what i wanted and I got it. I cant help but feel theses "attacks" are my fault. They(ergo the money mongering doctors) dont know whats wrong with me. I bet I could tell them. Homecomming is comming up. I dont want to go... but I going to. I hate that, the feeling that you have to do something you dont even want to do. No one wants to go with me anyways, and I cant think of anyone that I should put through the awful experience of going with me. I mean, considering... last years date ditched me half way through for a fag(no offense intended, he likes penis), the year before that decided to go out with me and then dumped me a few weeks later cause she found out how much of a crappy person I am, and lastly we come to the one that went crazy, I MEAN SHE WENT NUTS. So homecomming and me dont mix. But whatever, I need a good trip. Im tired of everyday.
drink a bottle or two of tequila, hit yourself on the head with a hammer, stand on a pool stick, then Watch fear and loathing in las vegas...
welcome to my life
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| Subject: | Cheese |
| Time: | 11:05 pm. |
| Mood: |  Look im old man... Summer!?. | | Music: | Summer time nights. |
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So yeah its been awhile, Im tired and my world has consisted of work, warcraft, and the always lovely girls of summer. But i think its time this beast settled down, its been to long. But im being an insomniac and staying up forever... go to myspace (www.myspace.com/drunkonthemoon) and chill its very sweet
peace and love
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So crazy couple weeks .... here we go.
So went to D.C., long drive. Mr.Morong (aka M Dawg) was cool for the most part all week. James and I had a blast hitting on women and messing around. I got alot of people to think I was from Minnesota cause I can do the accent. Best part was the dance. James wore this ridiculous get-up given to him by his grandfather that was mix-matched plad. All the ladies wanted to do him, it was hilarious how many came up. Just goes to show. Luckly this hot little blonde came up and I hit it off with her and we danced the rest of the night. She was from Oklahoma and I think her name was Christa... I think. Anyway I have pictures, Ill get them developed some time and get them on here. SO basically although we lost, and I almost punched out Kim because of her title 9 raids, D.C. is a cool town and I had fun. I then looked at some schools, went to see batman and starwars, and came home sat morning. I then went to Morgans cause shes hella-cool. I hung out with her for awhile, helped her pack(not), and chilled in the family room as her family(aka morgan and her mom) busseled about. I knew wouldnt see her again for awhile so it was good.
Sunday was boys state, and i was PISSED! I didnt really want to go, but I got there and it wasnt ALL that bad. AFter I got to know some guys and ever knew me it was cool. By wednesday it was great, between ultimate frisby, control'n the house of reps, hanging with the guys jammin, and laughin with Zang, It was groovy. My advisors were the shit. This one dude, Dex (ben dexter but called Dex or the Dexster) was a friggin genius and so lax and the man. Im finding him and were chillen at the hookabar in the old port. Anyway everyone thought I should have been govenor, however I was lazy. But it was good.
Now Im home, I can see women, and Its hot. I love summer...
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| Time: | 7:25 pm. |
| Mood: |  hot. | | Music: | Rocktapus- Two Girls. |
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Its hotter than hell, thunder is booming, I need to pack
Ill be in DC for the week, call my cell if you want and/or need me
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| Time: | 11:06 pm. |
| Mood: |  stressed. | | Music: | Tom Waits - Warm Beer and Cold Women. |
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This is me...
exhausted...
strung out...
pissed off...
...and ready
Its one of THOSE days, but jazz is cool
My eyes are fallin asleep... goodnight moon
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| Time: | 2:09 pm. |
| Mood: |  jubilant. | | Music: | Motley Crue - Girls, Girls, Girls. |
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So this week has been hot... reallly hot. Yesterday I went to Kate's mountain and ate popsicles and chilled in the sun for awhile. It was great, as always, with her. Share'n secrets, being fools, living and loving life... me and kate. HA and cartoons on a spidery porch. Good times, good times...
Today was VERY hot. 1st period instead of contuing to read Death of a Salesman, Mr. Clark let us go outside and fool around. So, after twirling Amber around for awhile and dissing soccer, we decided to play some ultimate frisbee. It was the Point Sebago Boys (aka Sean, Max, Taylor) vs. Me, Anthony F., and Neil. Basically we owned them, 4-1, with yours truely scoring two of those four. I love that game, it kicks sooo much ass. After we went to lockerrooms and washed off. I spent some serious time infron of Mrs. McDowell's industrial strength fan. Other than that I did nothing all day, worked on this new song. Its Piano which is a change I guess. You know how it is, gotta get movin and rollin. Then I jammed on the drums for a bit, flossed my oldschool skill, it was a good time. Now Im home and going down to the bridge for some swimming. Id like to go to relay, but I have a cold and SATs in the morning so Im staying in. Hope those go well, essh. Well Im out into the sun for now for some hoops... Peace and love ladies and gents
pictures of the week:
 
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| Subject: | blahhhhhh |
| Time: | 10:16 am. |
| Mood: |  lethargic. | | Music: | System of a Down - Violent Pornography. |
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Well, Im in keyboarding... and my brain is basically dead. Mrs. McDowell **never** stops talking. Im surprised she hasn't suffered a massive hemorage yet. Tonight Im going down to Providence to see the Bruins play the Phantoms, yeah it should be good. A night of boose, music, blod, cigars, and awesomeness. Aahh the life of a 17 year old rebel... okay maybe not. I got to work from 3-10:30 tommorrow then Im at Gretchins. Shes probally one of the coolest cats I've ever met. Its ridiculous. Anyway, gona go chill with Kate cause class is over. Shes basically the man, to bad I cant chill with her tonight, shes sleeping at Emily's house. Peace
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| Time: | 11:19 am. |
| Mood: |  calm. | | Music: | Weezer - Say it aint so. |
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So the last weeks have been going by really fast and I really havent gotten a chance to do this. Anything Goes was phenominal. Thanks to everyone for putting fourth your best and to everyone who came. Prom was last week. I gotta say all of my officers and I were impressed, our work really came together. Everyone looked great and I had the best time with Shay. HEY we even got Niman to dance. Afterwords, everyone came here and hung out. I had built a huge tent in my back yard with caseman, and we all just chilled by the fire and talked and laughed. It was chill. Then we stayed up and watched Anchorman and tons of family guy before we all just passed out in my living room. I woke up at seven to find nick and sam already up, sam had in fact already been home, showered, and picked up donuts for us all. Then we went out and played tips, and I WON TWICE bitches, yeah agaisnt a basketball player and a jew. Alright! Anyways... this week was crazy. Seans on home lockdown for a certain criminal offense at Six Flags. So Ive been sneaking him stuff to keep his sanity, poor kid. Yesterday I went to see starwars with Sam and Case. The movie was great, however, Casey didnt smooth things over with his mom or something so she called my dad, and him being a bitch called the school and told them I was skipping. Then proceded to call me and rant me out after he skipped school on tuesday because he was "sick" which really meansd he was being a bitch cause I told him off the night before and he was mad cause I dont respect him and quote dont "kiss [his] ass enough". RIDICULOUS. And I guess clark marked me for first so Jepson thinks I left again. SO now I have to have that fight with her. God Damnit, I really hate my dad. ONE YEAR!!!! Im out in a YEAR. Ohh plus when Im 18 Ill live at casey's dads for awhile anyway. Such is my life. Anyway today Im chilling and working, tonmmorrow I have to work all day which is gay. I gotta figure out when Im gonna write that essay for clark.... weak. Peace out ladies and gents
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Do you ever stop to count all the invitations
At the end of the day when it comes down to one decision
Of dead beat girls and freaks at a peoples convention
All these sugars with no vitamin sensation
Do you ever stop to look over old relations
Or look to the belly of another one's emotions
Someone young in the winds of a revolution
Trying to save his face in the evolution
Asleep at the wheel
No windshield
But you know that the streets
Here don't change
He's kept alive in the chain of mental starvation
Bone rail skinny, only feeding off frustration
Unlike you who seem bred from corruption
Feeding off the plates of an ununited nation
Asleep at the wheel
No windshield
But you know that the streets
Here don't change
With a lover in the street whose waiting to make a connection
To be the mother to the soul of your next abortion
She'll steal your money with the eyes of a baby's complexion
Then she'll laugh at you and your sexual invention
Smelling like a rose, in the flowers of devotion
Devoted the heat of a spotlight in motion
With a face full of mud even though you were only joking
As if you really understood the value of isolation
Asleep at the wheel
No windshield
But you know that the streets
Here don't change
Your tongue so fast like a freight train coming on rollin'
Every smile you give's just to keep your mouth from clothin'
Every engine burns as a sign of the explosion
Locked in neutral your engines are broken
Like candle wax that sun melts into the ocean
Like the moon that lights the tracks of the old train station
You can color in the lines of mother earth's addictions
And not hold a gun in the face of the earth's abduction
Asleep at the wheel
No windshield
But you know that the streets
Here don't change
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1So lets talk about stress, lots and lots of stress. I have it... in abundance. Recently to catch everyone up Ive been completely bogged down in work and school. This class president thing is killing me and the play is making me ripshit. Friday I say Little Shop at Cheavrus and was quite impressed, no I cant stand feeling like Anything Goes wont be ready to go on and will suck complete ass. Saturday I worked for 11 hrs then went to a party. It was good, for a drama party. If you dont know dont ask, drama parties are kind of exclusive bitches. Anyway So i get woken up sunday go to work and on my way there BAM, totalled my car. I mean destroyed, through a telephone poll, not comming back ever, destroyed. Ive never been more stress out in my life. Figures it happens a week after I put over $2500 into it, peice of shit. I just kicked open my door and screamed for a good 5 minutes, by then end I was on my knees screaming fuck you to that worthless piece of shit up on high. I mean what an asshole, are you TRYING to kill me. I mean atleast succeed next time, then I wouldnt have to deal with all the shit that comes after it. Now I have no money, no car, soon to be no friends. Life is sucky and basically I want to fight the universe. So if I seem pissed off to you when you see me its cause I am. I really want to jump off something high or die for a cause, but yet again I cant even do that. Its bullshit, my life. I need to leave soon, and go some where far away by myself. Recently it has come to my attention that people think me a pig and other various "not-so-nice" labels. Well fuck you too. Call me a pig, look at you fucks who have nothing better to do then sit around and gossip about shit you dont even know about. People piss me off, so two faced. If you have a grudge or you need to bring up some moot point thats pissing you off, then do it two my face not your little fake-friend bitches. I tired of all this shit. I never asked to be who I am, but I am so deal with it. Class President or not, sometimes I just plain hate some of you sometimes and Im sorry for that but Im only human. Im a pig, YOU'RE the pigs. Talking behind your backs about stuff that doesnt concern you. Man, just shut the hell up. Ive had a hell of a last couple fo years. Ive learned that shit happens and just to take the punches and turn it into something benifits you no matter how hard. Atleast Im LIVING my life, atleast Im doing what I want. If I want to mess around and have fun and sex, big deal I will. If I want to get drunk, do drugs, take to many painkillers, swear, hit things, and tell that big heavenly asshole to fuck off, I will. Thats life deal with it. Ive had a head ache for the last nine years, and I dont sleep. Sorry If I get angery, but sometimes even that fat, friendly awkward redhairy kid can only take so much of the shit you throw at him. So this is it, a challenge. If you have something to say say it to me. Be blunt, or dont think it dont say it dont do anything concerning me. I have to much shit to deal with, I dont need yours. One year and Im gone, somewhere far away. And I know half of you will still be stuck in this hellhole talking about could have beens and your uneventful lives. I havent felt this dead being alive for years, but thats not gonna stop me from living. So this is for you...
those who keep me down, I'll fight you with every breath I cant manage.
fuck stress, Im better then this
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Wednesday, April 27th, 2005
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Oh when i said before that 90% of my life was bullshit, I lied. Its all bullshit.
I really need to run away someplace far
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So yeah, its all good. Monday I completeky fucked up a speech for NHS. I just ended up sounding like a jackass, the story of my short life. Why the hell am I now president of NHS!!!! I think my brains about to implode from stress already, I cant even fathom next year. this whole not having my car thing sucks, fuckin cars. I dont have $2200, neither do my parents right now, so it fuckin sucks around here. My house is always been like a step into hell for me, but my parents are genuis at hiding it. No doubt i always snap. So the show is in... well bad shape. People are starting to piss me off that are messing shit up and not fixing it. Im working my ass of here, building sets, learning my many lines and songs, writing speeches, working, BEING CLASS PRESIDENT!!! Yeah, so dont complain you assholes, im under so much stress right now its not funny. YES the prom tickets are $50, no I cant change that, your getting food music and alot of shit other proms cant even think about getting, its fair. Proms a freakin fundraiser, like class shirts, SO FREAKIN BUY ONE! Try to get in these shoes and handle it and make things run smooth, and untill you do dont say a friggin word to me about being a bad President. You ignorant fucks have no idea, it pisses me off so bad that all i can do is smile back at you while you slander me and pick me apart. Im gonna leave after highschool andbecome a hermit some where so I can be by myself, that would possible be the best thing ever. The bands getting back together... thats cool. We need to play though, make some more originals. Maybe you can come see us soon. Anyway, although I went off in a rent, Come see the play next weekend Fri-Sat 7, Sun like 1:30-2, Cant wait for prom, Im taking someone super special. And theres is someone who Ive been getting close to.... yeah you know who you are, and im in for whats next, possible the best fun Ive had in a long time. So thats it, I have a headache... atleast its good TV tonight
OH YEAH, to you who I fucked and ditched.... Listen is happened its in the past, I didnt really want to do it but I could tell from that look in your eyes what was comming next and Im not into that anymore with you. Besides didnt your momma tell you slander is for little brats and if ever have something else to say, say it to my face and dont call up someone who doesnt want to hear it in the middle of the night and say stupid shit that isnt true. I know Im not perfect, Im no where near even the thought of it, but just because Im fucked up doesnt give you the right to make me a punching bag and personal pms tool.
There, that took awhile to say. Anyway, Im out. Its raining and I like it....
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| Time: | 6:32 pm. |
| Mood: |  aggravated. | | Music: | Sum 41- Were All to Blame. |
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So yeah lets talk about the weekend. It was good, mostly. Friday sunil was over in the morning then I picked up case and went to scotts to jam. It was okay didnt do much cause ah... something? got in the way... anyway frank had to leave so me and case went back to the house, got some pizza, and watched sean of the dead. Friggin hilarious movie. Then saturday came, and it was work. All work... all day. I worked from 7 till like 630, it blew. Anyway I wasnt down cause right after i left and head for the CRUE CONCERT! It was packed, with like no parking, so me and case walked from fore street up. So we get there right at 7:30 and the cops "confiscate" my caribeanber cause its a weapon or some shit. I think she was just jealous, piggy bitch po po... ANYWAY. THe Crue didnt hit the stage till about 8:30, but me and case were good in the middle! Like 11 rows back, YEAAAAH! I won a free extra smoke from case cause i bet him Shout at the Devil would be the first of the set. Anyway they rocked, their were stippers, midgets, explosions, funny movies, and dont forget Tommy's TITTIE CAM!!!! Oh man Tommy Lee is now my hero, basically he told women to strip in front of us all and they did, at random, and were prjected onto the big huge monitor while showin off their stuff in their seats! WHOA YEAAAH! Kick Start My Heart is friggin right. Best song of the night right there, some many explosions going off, and Nikki smashed his bass at the end. Then when you thought it was all over what do they do??? Come the fuck back out and keep playing! I had possible the best time ever. The me and case drove for awhile, i met meg at Burger King and got food, then headed for the beach. The beach was cold, but the waves and the stoogies made it very worthwhile. After that we crashed at his house and I got up and was gonna call out of work, HOWEVER my fuck ma said thered be CONSQUENCES if i did which means my ass would be grass and Id have no life. So i reluctantly showed up to best buy. Work was fun today though, not that many people and all we did was fool around, then My mom shows up. decideds she wants to by me new clothes cause she doeasnt like my other ones, so i go out to my car, and i FUCKIN left the lights on. I was so pissed, then when we jump it... THE SECURITY KICKS IN AND LOCKS ME OUT!!!! DAMNIT I hate my dads pansy little freakin white truck. So after the tripple a guy showed up like seven hours later, i finnally got home. I havent eaten anything since yesterday and Im fairly pissed off cause my parents are being assholes like ussual. Tommorrow I have to memorize and give this fuck speech thing for NHS AND know my lines for the play. Basically I feel like shit, smell like beer smoke and rock, and am in a REALLY bad mood. What a FUCKIN way to end such an awesome vacation. Thanks god... you bastard.
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Thursday, April 21st, 2005
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| Time: | 7:34 pm. |
| Mood: |  pensive. |
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I need to run away...
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Wednesday, April 20th, 2005
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So vaca has rocked so far. Seriously, Its just been non-stop. Saturday and Sunday I worked and played outside. Monday rolled around, Me and case went to Peaks Island. IT was great, quite the adventure filled with tidal pools, ice cream, and a town cat named kevin. After that I called my mom an asshole so she was pissed and didnt talk to me so we picked up blaine and frank and went to Scotts house. Well Scott wasnt really home so we let ourselves in and jammed. Greta night, some guys from down the street came and we balled, rocked, and smoked some fine stoges. After that me and the boys did some fun stuff around town, went home, and played n64. And after a round of poker and a acoustic jam session, we called it a night. After we woke up in the AM, my dad brought us donuts, we all lost to casey in poker, and left. I brought the guys home and went to drama. Its funny how I never ask to run things but i always end up doing it anyway. So after I stayed longer then everyone doing work, I left and went home to get ready for work. THERE WAS NO ONE AT THE MALL ON TUESDAY NIGHT! I've never been more bored in my life. Now today was cool. I woke up and left for scotts to jam with the boys. Casey couldnt make it, but i met this new guy Lyle who might play with us. The band is sounding awesome again, cant wait. We went swiming a couple times, it was nipples, but Scotts got a rope swing and that was cool. Now Im home and its wednesday so that means good TV and Im just gonna watch movie and do miniatures ALL NIGHT BABY, yeha im a geek. Its soo awesome out, bring on the hammock and the stars!
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Saturday, April 16th, 2005
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Vacation is HERE. Its beautiful out and I am playing, so thats cool. But i broke my bb gun which is dumb, but Ive got work so ya know
WERD or .... im white?
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wishiwasbatman's journal
content.
curious.
drained.
crappy.
Grrrrrrrrrr!.
pessimistic.